The Five Things of NCIS
by Kayla-Shay
Summary: A collection of 'five things' fics that are mostly Tony centric. See individual chapters for summaries, spoilers or warnings.
1. Five Things Tony Left Behind

**Title**: Five Things Tony Left Behind  
**Author**: KaylaShay  
**Rating**: FR13  
**Disclaimer**: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.  
**Fandoms**: NCIS  
**Characters**: Tony DiNozzo; Jethro Gibbs (can be read as u either /u friendship, family or pre-slash, it depends on how you see the characters...)  
**Timeline**: Post Left for Dead (season 1)  
**Written For**: NFA Game - Five Things  
**Prompt**: Five things that Tony left at Gibbs' house when he stayed there when the boiler in his apartment was out.

**Summary**: Gibbs didn't think he would miss having DiNozzo around until he found the things Tony had left behind.

* * *

Gibbs walked through the door to his house and placed his gun and badge on the table. He didn't realize he was doing it until he had grabbed two beers instead of one from the fridge. Not just any beer, but that obscenely priced stuff that Tony liked. Sighing, he placed the second, unopened beer back in the fridge and opened his own. Who would have thought anyone would miss DiNozzo being around, but Gibbs found himself doing just that.

He walked into the living room and sank into the sofa, propping his feet up on the coffee table. He smiled briefly at the copy of GSM laying open to the centerfold on page sixty-two. Maybe he would hang on to that copy, she was a redhead after all.

Sometime later, after the beer was long gone, Gibbs made his way to the basement and his boat. Working on autopilot, he tripped over something that normally wasn't on the staircase. It sent him pinwheeling down the stairs, but he fortunately caught himself before he hit the bottom. With his balance regained, he turned around to find the culprit. Laying innocently on the stairs was one of Tony's handheld game devices. Gibbs almost stepped on it out of spite, but decided he would deliver a few extra head slaps instead of taking it out on the innocent game. He picked it up to carry to one of the workbenches as he thought of how nice it had been working with Tony sitting on the steps. Tonight he would be alone.

Many hours later, Gibbs stiffly (and safely) made his way back upstairs for his nightly ritual. He frowned when he saw a wadded up towel on the bathroom floor, toothpaste stuck in the sink and some fingernail clippings next to the toothpaste. He mentally made some new rules to inform DiNozzo of the next time he stayed.

Finally ready to crawl into bed for his three hours of needed sleep, Gibbs stopped short when he saw the white envelope on his comforter. Picking it up and turning it around to check for any hidden surprises, Gibbs finally deemed it safe enough to open. Inside was a card with a picture of a St. Bernard. Smiling, Gibbs opened it to find a gift card to the coffee shop nearest the office and a brief note...

"Thanks Boss."

Gibbs just smiled again as he sat the card on the nightstand and got into bed. As he flicked the light off, he spoke to the empty house around him, "No, thank you DiNozzo."


	2. Five Times He Cared

**Title**: Five Times He Cared  
**Author**: KaylaShay  
**Rating**: FR13  
**Disclaimer**: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.  
**Fandoms**: NCIS  
**Characters**: Tony DiNozzo & Timothy McGee  
**Spoilers**: Mentions of Season 5 Episode "Family"  
**Written For**: I started this for the NFA Five Things Game, but was beat posting it, so I'll just post it separately.  
**Prompt**: Five times Tony shows that he cares about Tim.

**Summary**: When Tim first met Special Agent DiNozzo he didn't think much of him and his behavior, but four years later, he knows different.

* * *

Tim had not understood since he first met Anthony DiNozzo in Norfolk how the man could be an NCIS special agent, especially the _lead_ special agent for a man with a record like Leroy Jethro Gibbs. From all Tim could see, DiNozzo was just an ex-jock who was lucky in life.

One week after Tim started working full time for Gibbs' team, he was thoroughly puzzled. Gibbs didn't put up with people who couldn't do the job and DiNozzo had been there for over two years.

It was during a case in his second week, that Tim first saw a sign other than the harsh teasing DiNozzo always did with him. They were at a murder scene where the victim had been cut up. The sight was gruesome, the smells were overwhelming and Tim was on the verge of being sick.

Gibbs was barking orders, but Tim couldn't get his feet working; his eyes were frozen on the sight of the victim's dissected torso.

Tim jumped when a hand clamped down strongly on his shoulder. He heard DiNozzo's voice as barely a whisper in his ear.

"Breath through your mouth Tim and try not to look at the body much. If you need to, step outside and don't worry about Gibbs, I'll cover for you."

DiNozzo squeezed his shoulder and then moved on to start his sketches. Tim stood more in shock from DiNozzo using his first name than the body. 'Maybe,' Tim thought, 'Tony's not as bad as I thought.' Then he finally moved on to do his job.

When Kate died just under a year later, Tim had built up a lot more respect for Tony. He knew he was a capable agent and under all the jokes and teasing, he cared for those around him. It hit Tim full force as they walked out of the autopsy lab together, Tony's arm slung over his shoulder with a reassuring firmness.

That night, Tony made sure Tim ate and got a few hours of sleep on Abby's futon. Tim tried to return the favor, seeing the darkness under Tony's eyes and hearing the harsh breathing from his plague recovering lungs. But Tony just shrugged it off and said he would rest when they found the bastard.

Tim was in a bad place the night he shot the cop. It was the first time he had shot another person, the first time he had killed another person and it was a cop who was probably doing his job. When the knock came to his door and Tony demanded entrance. He was half tempted to not let him in, but something inside said he needed Tony that night; needed him to keep from going crazy.

After Tim had shot down the idea of going clubbing, Tony settled for old movies, pizza and beer. He told Tim stories of some of his first times on various forces; first arrests, first shooting, first kill. At 3am, after Tony had passed out on the couch and Tim had moved to his room, Tim smiled for the first time since the gun had fired.

During the months that Gibbs was gone, Tim's respect for Tony had reached an all time high. At first, Tim was worried about working with Tony for a boss, but as the weeks passed, he saw how much Tony didn't let them see what he did when he was just a senior agent and not the lead.

The best part was when Tony showed him the ropes of working the inner office requests and general paper work in their favor. Tim had never realized that Tony did all that paper work and then some, but he should have known. He smiled thinking about how Tony said taking the supply request straight to Jill (and not Terry) along with a piece of candy or a cup of coffee would get their request processed before the other teams. 'Maybe I should get Tony a cup of coffee for the morning,' Tim thought to himself at one in the morning as he shut of his computer; the last of the paperwork completed. 'Show my appreciation for all the things he did that I didn't know about.'

After the fiasco with the frog and Jeanne leaving Tony, Tim was worried about the man; worried that Tony might leave. As Tim pressed the button to light the fire for Tony to sit beside in that computerized house, he couldn't help but wonder what life would be like without Tony DiNozzo in it. Tim surprisingly found that he didn't want to know.

As the burning paper Tony had tossed in the fire turned to ash and he walked back towards Tim, Ziva and Gibbs, Tim saw the expression in Tony's eyes and knew. Tim knew in that moment that Tony cared more for them than he had for the long shot of fixing his doomed relationship. Tim smiled as Tony shook off the excess water and placed his hand on Tony's shoulder to give a short squeeze. He conveyed silently to Tony that he cared too.


	3. Five Ways She Almost Killed Him

**Title**: Five Ways She Almost Killed Him  
**Author**: KaylaShay  
**Disclaimer**: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.  
**Rating**: FR15  
**Genre**: Contains Some Angst  
**Challenge**: ncisflashfic Amnesty 2007; Five Things Challenge  
**Potential Spoilers**: Undercovers; Boxed In  
**Word Count**: 920  
**Beta**: Demona

**Summary**: Tony DiNozzo was sure that Ziva David would be the death of him some day, but luckily for him these weren't those days.

* * *

The first time it happened, Ziva claimed it was an accident. It occurred not too long after their fake love making for the undercover assignment gone to hell. Tony never saw how she did it, but a cup of scalding hot coffee had somehow landed his lap. Granted, it probably wouldn't have killed him, but he sure felt like dying as he doubled over from the pain in his crotch. He thought he heard a mumbled, "I know that was not your knee Tony," but he couldn't be sure.

The second time, it was her actions that almost did it. When he arrived to his empty apartment with a throbbing arm the night they got out of that storage container, he was a place he hadn't been since childhood. The dark place in his mind where he told himself over and over that no one cares about him and that no one wants him around. His father's voice saying, "You're worthless," rang loud and clear.

His mind took brief trips over all the items in the apartment that could accomplish the task; knife, gun, razor… they were all available. He jumped at the firm knocking at his door. It took several minutes for him to cross the apartment to open the door. When he did, he found Gibbs standing impatiently on the other side holding out a pain killer bottle.

"Don't even think about not taking them DiNozzo," Gibbs said in his gruff voice. "I'll force feed them to you if I have to. Why don't you have any coffee made?" Gibbs had already moved to the kitchen and Tony was still holding the door open but a small smile was forming on his face. 'Maybe they do care,' some part of him said just as another small part in the back of his mind added the pill bottle to the inventory list.

The third time really was an accident. Ziva was doing a knife throwing demonstration for some new agents in the evidence garage. Unknowingly, Tony stepped right in the line of fire as she released her knife. If McGee hadn't of called out his name in that split second, causing Tony to turn his head, he would have been struck right between the eyes. As it was, he had a hard time explaining to his hair dresser exactly how he was missing hair in a small section on the back of his head.

The fourth time was almost his death by Gibbs, but Ziva was the one that started it. Somehow, she had found a copy of a letter he had written, but never sent, to Director Morrow. It had been written three months into his job at NCIS and at the end of a very long case involving some kidnapped kids.

In the letter, Tony itemized all instances of Gibbs' 'abuse' against him and noted how he was treated differently from the other agents working the case. The head slaps, the put downs, the demands, they had been overwhelming him and he wanted to find a way to stop them or transfer to a different team.

In the end, he hadn't sent the letter to the director. That night Gibbs had shown up at his door unannounced with a 12-pack of beer. They drank in silence watching some old Cary Grant movies and fell asleep on the couch. The next morning, Gibbs invited him to go sailing on a boat he had reserved. Not much was said, but Tony would think back on that weekend anytime the urge to protest the treatment he received flared inside him.

After she handed the letter to Gibbs, the look Tony received would have killed lesser men, but he stood his ground. "Check the dates," was all he said.

Gibbs glanced down and squinted at the small print until a slight grimace crossed his face. He wadded the paper up, tossed it back at Ziva and walked towards the elevator.

Tony was expecting the knock at his apartment door that night. He already had "Operation Petticoat" set up in the DVD player.

The fifth time required lots of paperwork, time spent in the hospital and a month off of active duty, but Tony would not trade any of that for what could have happened. Something had gone wrong at a scene and he had found himself being held hostage in a vice like grip by a marine. If it hadn't been for his breathing issues from the hand wrapped around his throat, he might have been more worried about the gun the other hand had pointed at his temple.

Gibbs and McGee were at the wrong angle to make any shot with out risking him. Ziva was the only one who had a chance. It was a snowball's chance in hell, but still a chance. Time seemed to slow as they all stared at each other in a silent show of wills.

Finally, Tony smiled through his pain, looked at Ziva and gasped out, "I think I saw this movie."

Ziva took his cue and her gun reverberated through the warehouse.

Later, as Tony sat in the hospital bed, enjoying his pain medication for the gunshot wound to his thigh, he grinned at Ziva. "Guess you were wrong about those being my last words Zee-va."

"Oh, I don't know Tony, perhaps a few inches to the right," she reached out and let her finger trace from the outer part of his left leg towards his crotch. "And I think I might have killed you."


	4. Four He Gained and One He Lost

Title: Four He Gained And One He Lost  
Author: KaylaShay  
Disclaimer: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.  
Rating: FR13  
Challenge: ncisflashfic Amnesty 2007; Five Things Challenge  
Potential Spoilers: 03x11 Model Behavior; 05x10 Corporal Punishment  
Word Count: 1,363  
Beta: Demona

Summary: Tony has a collection that started when he joined NCIS and continues to fluxuate in numbers to this day.

* * *

Tony was leaning casually against the back wall of the open room listening to Director Morrow's speech. He was only there because he had received the inner-office memo that requested everyone's presence. He snorted at that thought, because his Boss has somehow gotten out of not showing. Tony sometimes found it hard to understand how Gibbs could be the best agent around when he never played by the rules.

Tony's ears perked up when he heard Director Morrow lead in to a spiel about the person receiving the Meritorious Civilian Service Medal. He let himself slip into a small daydream of what it would be like to be recognized as a top agent. He had received a few commendations to his file over the years at the various departments, but his reprimands far outweighed those. Made him wonder why Gibbs had even hired him in the first place. Tony was sure he would be leaving NCIS before his normal two years were up and that there would be no awards or recognition in his future.

He snapped back to reality when the Director said Gibbs' name. Tony joined in the applause even though the other man was not present. He smiled at the slight off put look on the director's face. 'Only Gibbs could get away with that,' he thought to himself.

As the crowd dispersed, Tony prepared to head back to his desk and the cold case that was sitting on top of it. He stopped short with the Director spoke to him.

"Special Agent DiNozzo?"

"Yes sir," Tony replied cautiously. He couldn't think of anything he had done in the three months since joining NCIS that would warrant the Director's attention, but he was still worried none-the-less.

"Could you see that Agent Gibbs gets this?" he asked as he thrust the cased medal to Tony.

"Uh, sure sir," Tony managed to get out before the Director disappeared.

He walked back to his desk and stared at the case in his hands. He carefully opened it to examine the medal inside. 'Someday,' he started to think, only to cut himself off.

"Who am I kidding?" he said softly.

"You better not be kidding anyone on my time DiNozzo," was barked from behind him.

The voice of his Boss startled him so much that he dropped the medal on his desk and almost fell out of his chair. He took in the quirk of Gibbs' mouth as the man walked toward his desk. Fortifying himself, Tony stood up and grabbed the medal to take to him.

"The Director asked me to give this to you Boss," he said as he held the medal out to Gibbs. "Must be great getting a medal."

Tony winced as he realized how much longing had come through in his voice. Gibbs didn't answer right away, he just stood up and grabbed his gun and badge and walked towards the elevator. As Gibbs reached the doors he turned around and looked at Tony who was still standing with his arm held out.

"We're going to the range, DiNozzo. Stop standing and start moving."

Tony snapped into action and left the medal sitting on his desk as he grabbed his gear. "On your six Boss," he said as he hurried to catch up.

Later that night as he sat retyping his latest report, he looked back over at the medal sitting on his desk and sighed. It wasn't his, but maybe he could pretend for just bit, just until Gibbs asked for it back.

Four years later, Tony was back in the room listening to the same speeches from a different Director. She had covered all the bases and it was finally time for the presentation of the Meritorious Civilian Service Medal. He flipped through some cards he had written for use when Gibbs' name was called. He had progressed over the course of four years to actually picking up the award from the Director instead of waiting until after the ceremony. Now he was ready to make a short speech, one he had practiced the night before.

When Cynthia said his name for accepting on Gibbs' behalf and he heard the light applause, it gave him a feeling he rarely felt. It was like people were actually appreciating him. It didn't even last a minute though. The Director cut him off and everyone walked out of the room. He hung his head in defeat and even a hug from Abby didn't bring that feeling back.

After the case involving Taylor Shane's death was solved and the others had left the bullpen, Tony held out Gibbs' Meritorious Civilian Service Medal as he walked passed.

"I don't suppose you want this," he asked his Boss as he flipped the case open. Gibbs just rolled his eyes. "I'll get rid of it," Tony answered for him.

Gibbs hovered for a moment, keeping Tony from doing what had become his usual 'Gibbs medal' routine. "Go home, DiNozzo. It's late."

Tony smiled slightly and responded, "Yeah, I'm just finishing up a couple of things."

"Your flowers are dead," was all he got from Gibbs as the man turned and left. Tony turned back with smile at the flowers Abby had given him before taking out the key for the box he kept safely tucked in his bottom desk drawer.

He opened the case one more time and let his fingers run over the medal. Then he dropped it into the lock box with the other three medals and closed the drawer with his foot. He looked back at the vase of black flowers and smiled. 'Maybe the medals don't matter that much after all,' he thought to himself before he sneezed.

Almost a year later, he sat at his old, no, just his, desk emptying the boxes Gibbs had filled for him when the older man reclaimed his desk. Tony was trying not to be upset about the turn of events, but he had gone from being in charge back to being the understudy for Gibbs. As much as he didn't want to resent his Boss, he did.

He slammed things into place in and around his desk when the site of the lock box that had Gibbs' medals stopped him short. He found that it was no longer locked; leading him to believe the other man had found them. Embarrassment filled him as he thought about Gibbs finding the box that was almost a shrine to him amongst Tony's things.

He opened it up to find all four medals he had collected present. But nestled amongst them were two more that Tony hadn't seen before. He lifted them out for a closer look and almost dropped them when he realized what they were.

Gibbs had left his Purple Heart and Silver Star with the medals he had received in Tony's time at NCIS. Tony let his fingers run over each and then gave a smile for the first time in days as he put them in the box with the others and placed it in his bottom drawer. 'Maybe,' he thought, 'things will work out okay and I won't wish I had gone to Spain.'

Another year had passed and Tony's collection was still in tact, or so he thought. It was the middle of the night and he was thinking about the medals within his desk. The case they had just dealt with had them on his mind. The marine had been denied his medal because of his drug use. Tony could tell that the marine wasn't out for the medal, but the removal of both his dream and the recognition for the job he had done would take its toll on the man.

Thinking about this, he opened the drawer and removed the box. Since Gibbs didn't want or need the medals, maybe he could put at least one of them to use. When he opened the box to select one of the Meritorious Civilian Service medals, his hand froze.

The Silver Star was missing and Tony knew exactly where it had to be. "Always one step ahead, Boss," Tony said to the empty office. "Guess that's why you get the medals."


	5. Five Helpful Moments

Title: Five Helpful Moments  
Author: KaylaShay  
Disclaimer: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.  
Rating: FR13  
Challenge: ncisflashfic Amnesty 2007; Five Things Challenge  
Potential Spoilers: 02x22 SWAK; 03x09 Frame Up; 03x24 Hiatus; 05x02 Family  
Word Count: 1,400

Summary: Tony doesn't understand why people would want to help, but he does appreciate it when they do (even if he keeps that fact to himself).

Companion piece to Chapter 2 - Five Times He Cared.

* * *

Help

The offer came out of nowhere and Tony didn't know what to make of it at first. He almost scared the kid off when his defense mechanism of deflecting help and concern with jokes and put downs kicked in.

"What did you just say Probie?" he questioned the other man. McGee had only been an actual member of the team for a month and he was still a bit hesitant to speak up when he wanted to.

"Um, Abby mentioned that I might be able to help you out some," McGee said in a very quiet voice.

"Help with what Probie? I'm the Senior Field Agent and you are just the Pro-bie. Probationary agent. That means I help you."

Tony winced at the hurt look on McGee's face. "Never mind, Tony. It wasn't important," McGee mumbled as he turned to walk away.

Tony wanted to kick himself. No matter what he always drove people away from himself because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Trying to rectify the situation, he called out to the parting agent.

"Wait, Tim. What did she think you could help me with?" Using McGee's first name was a calculated risk, since he had never used it before while talking to the other man. But evidently, it paid off when McGee stopped and turn back around.

"Well, um, she said that you were trying to find someone to help you learn more on the computer," McGee said in a rush. "I could. I mean, only if you want to, but you don't have to."

"McGee?" Tony said and he put a hand on his shoulder. "Shut up before you run out of air."

Then Tony paused and looked at McGee for a long moment before continuing, "Only if you promise to show me how to keep the, ah, entertainment sites I visit from infecting my computer with those internet transmitted diseases."

McGee smiled at Tony and finally relaxed just a little, "I think I can do that."

* * *

I Need Somebody

Tony had been out of Bethesda for fifteen hours, five minutes and forty-five, no, forty-six seconds. He tried telling himself he wasn't bored, but then he just ended up proving himself wrong. He had been bored for too long and it was making him desperate for any outside contact.

"Hell," he said out loud to his empty apartment. "I'd even like if McGee showed up."

Then he fell into another coughing fit and missed the hearing the knock on the door. Tony continued to cough and was unaware of the person entering the door and walking up behind the couch.

"Tony? You okay?" McGee's voice scared him more than he would ever admit, but at the moment the remainder of his lung he was trying to cough up was more important.

"My-- back," he managed to get out between coughs. McGee took the hint and helped Tony work through the cough. Minutes later the fit was finally over and McGee was rubbing light circles on his back that were oddly comforting.

"So Probie," Tony rasped out. "What do I owe you for the treatment?"

"I don't know Tony," McGee said with a smile as he took a seat on the couch and picked up the remote from the coffee table. "I don't think you can afford me."

Tony just snorted and grabbed the controller out of McGee's hands. "My home, my choice. You do know I get Spice right?"

Tony smiled as McGee rolled his eyes. It was great being out of Bethesda for fifteen hours, nine minutes and ten seconds; very good indeed.

* * *

Help

Tony sat in the darkened locker room with trembling hands. He had gotten out of the holding cell, been proven innocent and they had caught the culprit; well, actually Abby caught the culprit.

"Damn!" he shouted as he let his fist bang against his locker. "I should have known who he was. I'm so stupid for not seeing it."

"You're not stupid Tony."

The voice startled him and he turned to find McGee looking at him.

"That's the last thing I thought I would ever hear you say Probie. I'm just the dumb ex-cop with a phys-ed degree and a penchant for dating a lot. What are you doing down here anyway? Thought you went home." Tony looked questioningly at McGee.

"I could ask you the same thing," McGee said as he sat beside the older man. "I don't think you're stupid by the way. Annoying? Yes. But not stupid, well not most of the time anyway."

Tony just smiled a much smaller version of his normal toothy grin. "How's Abby doing, Tim?" he asked to change the subject. He listened with gratitude as McGee rambled on about Abby telling off the Director for letting Chip into her lab.

* * *

Not Just Anybody

It had been two weeks since Gibbs left. Two weeks since Tony had been left in charge and he felt like he was failing miserably. Abby was lost without Gibbs, Ziva didn't trust him enough to be in charge and McGee just sat there. To top it off, they were three days into a case and no leads. Things were not looking good.

Finally, he got an idea. "Ziva, McGee, Probationary Agent!" he snapped out. "Bring your chairs over and gather around."

Agent Lee was the first to respond. She was willing to do anything to prove that she was the perfect little agent. Ziva mumbled under her breath, "This better not be some reference to a movie."

McGee just rolled his eyes and then his chair the short distance required.

"We're going to call this little session a campfire and it's now in order," Tony said with a smile. "What do we know about Simmons and what do we need to find out?"

Reluctantly, they all started saying their thoughts and ideas, debating theories back and forth. Two hours later after they had soon to be ex-marine Simmons in custody, Tony was all smiles. His first case as a team lead was solved and his first idea that was not Gibbs' method had proved fruitful.

The most surprising part was when McGee spoke to him in the elevator on the way down that night. "The campfire was a good idea Tony. Where'd you get it from?"

Tony just smiled to himself as he looked at his Senior Field Agent, "I can't give away all my trade secrets McGee. At least not until you are ready to be a real boy."

* * *

Help Me If You Can, I'm Feeling Down

Tony sat next the fire that McGee had turned on for him. 'Probably making up for setting off the sprinklers twice,' he mused to himself. Sitting there and looking at the loving couple holding the baby, he felt a pang in his heart for something he could have had with Jeanne.

'Wait,' his mind supplied, 'who am I fooling? It was never going to work out.'

Tony sighed as he glanced back and forth between the two scenes being played out in front of him, the family on one side and his teammates on the other. He was oddly jealous of that little baby. He was going to have a loving family, two parents who would go to any lengths to save him. Tony shivered at the thought. He had never had anyone like that.

Then he looked back at Gibbs, McGee and Ziva standing together and laughing. He thought back on the years he had had with them and the times they had been there for him. Gibbs, bastard that he was, always came through in the end. Ziva had her own unique way of showing she cared, but Tony was fairly certain she did. McGee… Well McGee was well on his way to claiming the second longest stint with Gibbs. If that didn't make him family, then nothing else did.

Tony took the soggy card out of his jacket and looked at Jeanne's message before glancing back at his team. He felt the coldness in his body start to warm, coldness he was certain didn't come from his water soaked suit.

He let the card fall into the flames and then he stood up to join his family. They all gave him a smile and McGee placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He was startled by the friendly gesture, but turned on a smile nonetheless.


	6. Five People He Lost

Title: Five People He Lost  
Author: KaylaShay  
Disclaimer: I'm not Bellesario or CBS, so I don't claim to own them.  
Rating: FR13  
Genre: writinginct said it was Angsty... :-)  
Potential Spoilers: Up to 05x01 Bury Your Dead  
Word Count: 1,374  
Betas: Demona; writinginct

Summary: Tony experienced loss early in life and it only got worse as the years progressed.

* * *

How can you lose someone that you never really had? What if the ones you never had were your own parents?

I had asked myself those questions every day since I was ten years old and my mother died. I felt sad that she was gone, but not lost without her. She had never really been there for me, that's what the nannies were for. 

When I started school and heard other kids talking about how their mom would make them sandwiches or read stories, I was angry and jealous. My mom had never done any of those things. The only moments I could remember really spending time with her involved those god-awful sailor suits and my piano lessons.

And it wasn't just my mom.

My father was nothing more than a man I shared a name with. I would give my daily reports (sometimes only weekly and, as the years passed, monthly) to the man as he sipped his scotch. My father would sit in his high-backed desk chair with the impressive expanse of polished oak to separate us. The only words I would hear were, "Anthony, report," followed at the end with, "Dismissed." 

Hell, the man even left me in a hotel room in Hawaii without a second thought.

So the day my father told me I would end up in the gutter if I took the scholarship to Ohio State University instead of the shoe-in to Harvard, I left and didn't look back. 

The one thing I learned from my early experiences was to not let anyone get too close. If they aren't close, then it won't hurt when they are gone. It was a mantra that served me through college and into adulthood when I started out on the force in Peoria. Every two years, like clockwork, I moved on before I became attached. Was it hard not looking back? Yes, but it was the only way I felt safe to live.

So, when I'm staring down at the lifeless face of Caitlyn Todd and feel her blood cooling on my face, I want nothing more than to kill the sick fuck that did that to her; did that to me. I hadn't realized she had made it through my protections. They all had; Ducky, McGee, Abby, Gibbs… especially Gibbs.

The time on that rooftop is a blur to me. From Gibbs frantically searching for the shooter, to Ducky placing a hand on my shoulder and handing me a wet cloth to wipe my face with. When we made it back to the office, I felt as if I were a hundred years old. I told myself it was the after effects of the plague and that it had nothing to do with Kate. Nothing.

Standing in the lab and watching Abby try to be her normal self, hearing the uncharacteristic kindness that I always longed for coming from Gibbs' voice, seeing McGee struggle over wanting to say goodbye to Kate, but not wanting to see her body…

I told myself that it wouldn't happen again. That I won't let myself care for someone only to have to watch them leave me behind. But it doesn't work because I'm already in too deep to pull out now.

One year later, I learn just how deep I was. Even from the car we felt the blast and some of the residual heat it created. How anyone could survive being in the same room could only be called a miracle. When I saw them take him away on the stretcher, I wanted nothing more than to go with them. But I had a job to do, and with Gibbs down, it was up to me to do it. 

When we received word that he had came out of the coma, but lost the last fifteen years of his life, I wanted to punch something. I wanted to go to that hospital and get in his face and force him to remember me, but I still had a job to do and didn't go. If I were honest with myself, I would know that I didn't go because I didn't want to be forgotten; didn't want to be an unknown face to someone I had come to rely on so much.

When he stepped off that elevator and called me McGee, something inside me died. It was worse than being left by my father in Hawaii, than the sailor suits, than Kate's death… I had been forgotten by the one man I worked so damn hard to please.

That night, with his gun and badge still sitting in my hands, I vowed that I would never let myself fall into that trap again; that no matter what, I would let myself care for anyone ever again. But the hell of it was, I realized in the middle of the night, as the tears I had shed were drying on my face, that I still cared for the bastard even if he forgot me and walked out on me. I couldn't turn it off and that hurt me even more.

When the director approached me several weeks about the possibility of doing some undercover work that was to be considered eyes-only, I jumped at the chance. It was a chance to prove to myself and to the director that I could handle things on my own, that I wasn't just some understudy to Gibbs. It was also the distraction I so desperately needed.

Within weeks, I had done several surveillance jobs under different personas each time. It was a blessing to shed what made Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo and become someone else. When the director said she was ready to move to the next phase, I didn't even question what it was, I just said yes. 

Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and with my 20/10 vision, I should have known better, should have seen what was down the road. But I went into it dumb and blind. I let myself fall so easily into Tony DiNardo that I wasn't sure where he ended and the real me began. I wasn't even sure if there really was an Anthony DiNozzo left.

Gibbs returned and dumped my things back at my old desk just like he dumped the team on me. I was angry and hurt and it only sent me spiraling further into Tony DiNardo. I didn't question the director's motives. Didn't ask why Jeanne's father should be considered important to NCIS. I just worked to keep my two worlds separate, but found myself failing miserably.

Tony DiNardo was in love with Jeanne. In my mind, I was Tony DiNardo and therefore, I was in love with Jeanne. At work, I slowly became Tony DiNardo playing the part of Anthony DiNozzo. One night, as I lay wrapped in Jeanne's arms, I caught myself thinking what it would be like to have Jeanne announced as Mrs. Tony DiNardo. She never asked me why I bolted from the bed and into the bathroom. I stared into the mirror repeating over and over in my head that I was Anthony DiNozzo, but my heart didn't want to believe it. My heart wanted to be Tony DiNardo, wanted to lose all of Anthony DiNozzo. Anthony DiNozzo was hurt, lost, Tony DiNardo was stable and in love. It didn't have a choice; it decided to go with what was safe.

By the time my cover was blown along with my car, I was broken. I didn't even know who I was anymore; it was all mixed together in a jumble in my mind. When Jeanne looked at me with hurt eyes and asked who I was, I almost couldn't answer. 'Tony DiNardo,' I wanted to say, but my mouth told her the truth. I truth I didn't even believe anymore.

As I went home that night, I found myself asking the cabbie to take me to an address different from my apartment, different from Jeanne's empty apartment. I stood at the door to the basement listening to the sounds of sanding drifting up the stairs.

I was lost and hoped that the only person Anthony DiNozzo ever trusted with his life could help find him before he was lost forever.


End file.
